2^6 Ways to Get Your Files Accepted to ticalc.org
Posted by Michael on 15 January 2006, 01:42 GMT
Jason and I were spending our Friday night on IRC when we spontaneously realized how difficult it is to successfully submit a program to ticalc.org. We resolved that we ought to use our file archiving experiences to write a guide on how to successfully submit your programs to ticalc.org. Writing one suggestion per minute on average while in a state of extreme memory recollection, we took an hour out of our time to compile a list of 64 rules that absolutely ensure 100% guaranteed acceptance term life insurance...err acceptance of all of your files.
- Assume that your users are all psychic and do not require a readme or any instructions whatsoever. After all, we are already familiar with your program.
- Make sure you infringe upon trademark law and put "WINDOWS XP" in your title. This is also a good way to get downloads from people who think that Windows XP will somehow run on a calculator.
- Assume your program is the l33test program of all existence, and deserves to have titles in all caps and filenames that start with a 1 so it appears at the top of the default sort order.
- Pick your favorite TI-OS function and duplicate it in BASIC. Users love nothing more than seeing the same old boring functions reprogrammed to be both slower and use up memory!
- Assume that all people have T1 lines, and include huge, multi-megabyte manuals in your zip for your 2KB program.
- People always forget the quadratic formula. They also like to make sure that they calculate it correctly. For this reason, there must be at least 1,000 quadratic solver programs in our archives.
- People are much more likely to download your program if you have a software "company." Adding a name such as "Boring H4x0r Productions Inc" will triple your downloads; after all, it's a household name people trust.
- If your program is boring and doesn't adhere to any of these guidelines, then simply state as such in the description. For example, "Don't download this file." Your friendly and helpful file archiver will help you out and make sure your file is never downloaded.
- Make sure you upload all of your TI-83+ files into the TI-83 folder: TI-83 Plus users love having to hunt through thousands of TI-83 files to find the ones that will actually run on their calculator!
- Everyone knows your obscure dialect of Portuguese that is spoken only in one remote village in the mountains of Peru, so it's perfectly fine to upload files that have descriptions and titles that are written entirely in languages other than English!
- And also, most people can't speak English very well either. Therefore, feel free to abhor all English rules. Keep in mind that commas and punctuation are just for effect. Feel free to throw them in all over your description. It doesn't matter: people will download more if you have more symbols!
- Program filenames are like corporate bonds: The earlier in the alphabet and the more letters they have, the better it makes your program! Names such aaaaaaaa.zip will get you right at the top of the download list!
- Realize that people searching for files like adventure. Make sure every file you upload has a unique version number on it, resulting in hundreds of different versions of your file in the same directory. Your users will love the challenge of finding the latest one! You can take this one step further by constantly varying your version number scheme!
- Some people don't have any calculator software on their computer, so it's a great idea to submit your file in text format instead of .8xp or other appropriate format! This is best done by copying the text directly and leaving little ü's where the STO arrows used to be.
- You can compress your zip files even more by adding another .zip extension to them. For example, renaming quadratic.zip to quadratic.zip.zip cuts down on size tremendously.
- Picture files aren't any good because they require 768 bytes each! So, instead make sure you put five hundred Pt-On() lines in your program to draw graphics.
- If your program doesn't have enough features, make some up and list them in the description! All you have to do is put "in the next version" by them in the readme.
- There aren't very many instructions on the File Upload page. Feel free to ignore them. It makes the file archiver's job extra exciting when you violate all of them in one submission!
- People are more likely to download a program if they really understand it. Five paragraph essays in your file description are a great way to introduce your program. Just make sure you keep all the information on how to actually use the program out: that's for the readme!
- You're a person who never makes mistakes and who can write software for many different calculators without ever owning or testing your programs on those calculators. Feel free to upload ports of your program to every calculator model and note in the readme that "it should work."
- If you're addicted to submitting files and need to stop your addiction, it's easy! Just choose some special four-lettered words and direct them at your favorite file archiver! Instant ban!
- If you can't think of any programs to write, just take some public domain literature and make it into an ebook. Then release for every calculator.
- If all the public domain literature is already uploaded, feel free to take the text of the latest Harry Potter book and upload that. International copyright laws don't apply to Sweden.
- Feel free to copy your file description to the file archiver comments box when submitting a file. Therefore your file will be twice as clear to the file archiver, and will be processed twice as quickly!
- It's okay to upload programs that have nothing to do with calculators in the Windows directory. ticalc.org is here to serve as a repository for your l33t Visual C++ skills.
- Although Visual C++ programs are just cool, true type fonts are even cooler!
- If your file gets rejected with a notice because it was written in some obscure foreign language, you should confront the file archiver in an e-mail in that same language. After all, ticalc.org staff members are well versed in every language in the world.
- Streaming pay per view movies or cable channels with a TV tuner card over your 802.11b wireless network lets you get around the "Don't use language you wouldn't hear on network television" rule for your programs.
- Feel free, when updating a file, to upload the screenshots that are already on your file info page. You then let the screenshotter do their duty of deleting the new versions so you don't have duplicates. You wouldn't want them to have nothing to do, would you?
- However, if you do have new screenshots, feel free to blow them up so big they won't even fit on a 800x600 resolution monitor. Nobody should be using a resolution that small anyways.
- When the file upload form says "screenshots are approved separately from the file, so they may appear on our site a short while later than the file itself", we are really lying to you. We process all screenshots instantly and so if yours doesn't immediately appear, you can assume that the entire staff has a vendetta specifically against you.
- If the screenshots for your file don't immediately appear, try uploading your file again and again. The more often you upload, the better chance you have of those instant screenshots.
- If your program is really important, feel free to upload it a second time by simply changing the filename. We won't notice.
- If your program is really, really, important, upload it under two filenames for every calculator model it runs on, and then upload untested ports for the others.
- Starting your filename with 0000000 is an excellent idea. File archivers have the innate ability to understand what your file really is.
- When your life's accomplishments are judged, your fate will rest solely upon the number of files you uploaded to ticalc.org. Make sure you submit as many as possible.
- If your program gets rejected, keep trying. If you upload it thirty times, it might get approved on the last try.
- And don't forget that BASIC animation and picture directories don't count towards statistics. So, therefore, we don't care how many you upload...feel free to double the number of animation files you have every week!
- If you want your animations to get download stats anyway, feel free to upload them in the game directory and we will have no problem with that.
- When uploading files, don't forget to upload them twice with one minor difference between them. File archivers love having to guess which one is the right one.
- The NSA uses only TI-BASIC for their highest level of encryption, so make sure you clearly label those BASIC encryption programs as "UNBREAKABLE."
- Since your BASIC program is obviously as cool and fast and powerful as an assembly one, nobody (not even the file archivers) will notice that it's really a BASIC program. Therefore, upload it into the assembly directories.
- If your program isn't quite as cool and powerful as an assembly one, you can make it so by adding a colon to the first line so it runs in MirageOS. Feel free to then upload it into the MirageOS ASM sections!
- Another strategy for submitting BASIC programs into the ASM section is to include various ASM libraries that lets your program replicate built in functionalty of the TI-OS memory manager!
- The fact that your program does only "Hello World" is overshadowed by the fact that it's in assembly! Upload this amazing achievement right away!
- Everyone prefers BASIC shells over assembly because they are larger and require you to manually edit a program and enter the BASIC programs you want to list in the shell. Write a few of these shells and upload them so people have choice. Don't be afraid to upload multiple versions of the same shell too!
- Don't forget that the file archiver e-mail is a great place to ask questions about why your calculator doesn't work!
- Even with the latest advances in technology, your BASIC clock program is far more accurate than any wristwatch or atomic clock (and obviously the built-in clocks on the newer calculators).
- Remember that BASIC password protection programs are automatically impervious to being stopped by pressing the ON key!
- If your program is in peril of being rejected, make sure you put "Please don't reject my file" in the description. This will change our minds.
- And if we were to accidentally reject your file after your pleas that we suggested in the previous tip, submitting again and insulting us will definitely change our minds.
- If you can't come up with any good programs, Texas Instruments just loves it when you take the demo versions of their apps and package them in a "fun pack" under your own name.
- The TI-83 Plus manual is one of the rarest pieces of literature in history. To make sure it's accessible to everyone, take the PDFs from all 20 languages and submit them in a massive zip file.
- Remember that simply including program documentation in your zip file is not enough. Upload them to our text/ directory as well!
- To make sure you get your 2 KB zip file six bytes smaller, make sure you select the proprietary maximum compression option in your zipping utility. It doesn't matter that nobody will be able to open your file (not even the file archivers) since they don't have your zip program.
- Always assume that the file archivers are sitting right in front of their computers ready to process your file. If they don't process it in 5 minutes, contact them via instant messenger!
- Remember that the bigger your file is, the cooler you are. Therefore, remember to include your screenshots inside your zip, in BMP format.
- If you use a Mac, remember to save any files you edit in the .tiprogram format. That way, all Windows users will wish they had a Mac as they won't be able to send your file to their calculator!
- Remember, viruses don't exist and we can trust EXEs from strangers to be safe. Therefore, feel free to include your manual in Windows executable format along with your program.
- People have difficulty using their multiplication key. After all, multiplication is a very difficult concept. Therefore, don't forget to upload a program that lets people find the area of a rectangle given the width and the height!
- Remember that file archivers may rename your file if you upload a file that has the same name as another file already in the archives. When updating your program, don't forget to use the original filename so the filearchiver gets to figure out which file is yours!
- Remember that regular guessing games are boring. Make sure yours has multiple levels and an AI!
- Don't forget that a file archiver's opinion is never final. If ever you disagree with them, feel free to insult them to help sway their opinion.
- We have an extensive ticalc.org FAQ section about submitting files. You really don't need to read it. Everything in it is common sense, anyways.
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The comments below are written by ticalc.org visitors. Their views are not necessarily those of ticalc.org, and ticalc.org takes no responsibility for their content.
Re: 2^6 Ways to Get Your Files Accepted to ticalc.org
I want to stress something: Michael and I didn't make up any of these. Every single one of these "tips" have been tried when submitting a file to ticalc.org. So please observe the little red border and keep this article in mind next time you submit a file. Please.
This concludes this public service announcement brought to you by ticalc.org.
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15 January 2006, 01:46 GMT
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