TIB: Poor lawyers......well, not really
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TIB: Poor lawyers......well, not really
>X-From_: orthlund@rogers.wave.ca Mon Mar 9 03:25 AKS 1998
>Comments: Authenticated sender is <orthlund@mail.on.rogers.wave.ca>
>From: "felci" <orthlund@mail.on.rogers.wave.ca>
>To: "JOKE OF THE DAY" <ORTHLUND@mail.on.rogers.wave.ca>
>Date: Mon, 9 Mar 1998 07:25:51 +0000
>X-Distribution: Moderate
>MIME-Version: 1.0
>Subject: Poor lawyers......well, not really
>X-Confirm-Reading-To: "felci" <orthlund@mail.on.rogers.wave.ca>
>X-pmrqc: 1
>Priority: normal
>
>Good morning everyone :)
>
>I trust that you all had a good weekend :) I was remiss this weekend
>in thanking Ruth and Rosemarie for forwarding me those tests that I
>sent out this weekend. My family must all be in that 2 % of the
>population on the carrot one - I got caulifower, my mom got broccoli
>and my dad got beets(though I think he cheated). I did get the grey
>elephant from Denmark, though (I've not asked mom yet).
>
>Today's funny was sent in by Susan and it takes still more potshots
>at lawyers. I find myself wondering what we as a society would do
>without lawyers and politicians to provide real-life humour :) Enjoy
>everyone :))
>
>%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
>
>The following are actual statements made during court cases.
>----------
>
> Judge: I know you, don't I?
> Defendant: Uh, yes.
> Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
> Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
> Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
> Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
> ----------
> From a defendant representing himself...
> Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
> Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my
>purse.
> Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
> ----------
> Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
>defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
> ----------
> Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
>Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
> Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
> Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
> birth, too.
> ----------
> Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
> Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you
> sustained while at work? Plaintiff: Dr. J. Plaintiff's Lawyer: And
> what kind of physician is Dr. J? Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but
> I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
> ----------
> Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
>case?
> Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
> Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
> Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
> ----------
> Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
> Witness: I didn't see no fight.
> Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
>Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
> swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and
>one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one
>hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a
>six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden
>under a bed,and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
> ----------
> Lawyer: You, too, were shot in the fracas?
> Witness: No, sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the
> navel.
> ----------
> Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
> Judge: And why is that?
> Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
> Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
>defendant's motion?
> Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
> ----------
> Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
> Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
> Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
> Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your
> name. Not a damn thing.
> ----------
> Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything
> to say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
> ----------
> Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address
>the court?
> Judge: Of course.
> Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
> Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in
>jail.
> Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
> Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
> thinking.
> Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
>
>%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
>
>Have a wonderful day, everyone!!! Blessed Be!!!
>
>Tash(felci)
>
>
>
>
>************************************************************************
>Sing out your songs and
>Ring out your stories and rhymes.
>Weave from your dreams those mystical
>Dances that lead us to bind heart and mind.
>- From: "Home And The Heartland" - Riverdance, The Show
>************************************************************************
>
>===============================================================
>Life is dour enough, brighten it up with the daily funny :)
>
>Subscribe to the funny by sending email to:
> orthlund@mail.on.rogers.wave.ca
>with the text "please put me on the list" in the subject field
>(I know, I know, not too original, but polite :P )
>==============================================================
>